Thursday, September 21, 2006

To Just Be

Today is a new day...and i woke up with a cold.

slowing down. i realized after i wrote my last email how much energy I put towards 'not quite getting it'. towards my inner resistance. I went and meditated by the waterfall in Bhagsu after having trouble breathing for a while. When I was there, i relaxed into the fact that I am being provided with exactly what I need at every second whether that is breathing with ease or an asthma attack.

today as i woke up with a runny nose i relized the fact that right now, i am perfect just the way i am. I am me.
If I haven't fully grasped or gotten a concept that I feel I can transcend, then this is part of the process. I am here to simply listen, to simply be.

I went to the tibetan museum at the Temple today, and also hung out with a young tibetan man who had travelled 36 days through the Himilayan mountains to get to Dharamsala to meet the Dalai Lama. A country, a culture in exile all for what? the stories of oppresion and robbery of tradition really touched my soul with compassion and a desire to understand. It make me think of why we have the karmas that we have. It made me think about my own internal struggle and simply let it go, as the game of relativity played strong, and regardless, i am truly blessed, as are all of you.

To my friend Tinzen meeting the Dalai Lama was like making it to heaven, meeting god. he spent the first 22 years of his life have this desire and he hadto go through hell to make it here to dharamsala (he got frostbite, ran out of food, got stuck in snow storms, etc). He is now selling cd's on the street and hanging out at age 28. i asked him if he liked it here, but he said that he prefers living in tibet more, though it would be too dangerous for him to ever go back. Funny that he spent his whole life with a mission, and now that he has succeeded, he just lives everyday thankful, but nonetheless, just lives everyday existing.

We all make trade offs to how and why we live our lives. sometimes we are living for a goal adn we don't see what the downfalls will be when we reach it. sometimes we are living in a blind state of monotony and 'having to get our bills paid'. someitmes we just are.
Judging the blessings of the trials is not in our hands to decide, but merely a divine play and dance by the creator. It's all relative. even this moment is.

Deeper Into the Mother

I'm here in Dharamsala. breathe and relax into the vibration of the sweet mountains...with the heart centered spirit of the Tibetans. I came here for the few days before I start teaching. Sat Pavan and I have enjoyed the food and spirit of Dharamsala before she goes to a Vipassana meditation course.

I have been coming to a deep realizaiton over the past few weeks that I wanted to share. Its sort of long..and it is a deep delving into my, enjoy if you want to:

Over the last few months, I realized how much of my whole life I had been playing the 'victim role'. It has been divinely intertwined with having asthma my whole life and with the journey that has unfolded for me. Last year during Tantric I experienced something I never had before. I watched a teenager have an asthma attack in the Tantric line. I, believe it or not, had never seen someone have an asthma attack - I had only experienced it within my own self. Ever since that day, I made the decision to never have to be hospitalized again and to let go of having asthma. I began to change my diet, began working with Guruchander who did one of the Siri Singh Sahib's healing techniques for anger with me (for many months) and prayed to release the need for asthma in my life. It took me many months to incorporate that shift in my psyche...but it ended up that in June, I was asthma free.

Then everything else started to change. I realized that I didn't have to submit to anything. I didn't need to be the victim in any part of my life. Very truthfully, it was part of the reason why I decided to quit my job in Espanola. I realized that I had been doing this work and using my energy for things that didn't fully feed my soul (though I am thankful and honored to have learned all that I did - as it was a necessary part of my life to get me to the here and now). I moved into a space of honoring my self, my truth, and my life more fully and with reverence to myself, as opposed to reverence towards that which was outside of myself. So, I finished my job, packed up my possessions and put them in storage, and then began to travel. I first went to San Francisco where I worked at a job that, well let's just say, didn't feed me. Being in a new, different vibrational field gave way to my own insecurity. I worked so much and got paid a lot for it, but didn't follow my truth of taking care of myself and honoring my life force. I then stayed at my friends' house who had a cat which only added to physical challenges...and I got asthma back. This was a big blow to the confidence I had gained when I was asthma free. There were also some situations that I attracted to show me that I still played into that old pattern of being the victim, not feeling like I had a choice in matters, etc. Once I left there, I went to Los Angeles and appreciated the climate and my surroundings without the cat dander a lot more, though I still used the inhaler there. I felt more grounded, but just had a few days before I left for India.

When the Universe opened up the new plans of moving to India for me, I felt like I was having to surrender to my higher self...surrendering to listening to my truth again. I did in many ways feel like I didn't have a choice in the matter...but I know that the choice was choosing to listen to my higher self or not - and I could have always not listened and gone through with my previous plans....but I own the fact that I chose not to ( and I'm extremely thankful that I am not living in India and committed to my self here).

I feel like once I realized that I have been playing the victim role my whole life, I was able to experience living life without being a victim, empowered in my own self for the last few months I was in Espnaola. Then, I chose to test myself with it in a new environment - and I got to see that I fell back into an old pattern. Then, when the divine and my higher self was showing me this new path in India, I still reacted in the 'victim' mindset - but I feel like here in India, I am able to see all of it more clearly. I am watching my interactions.. I am watching myself when I feel insecure. I am watching what it feels like when I am empowered in my relationship with myself and with God (for example, the experiences I have at Gurdwaras). I know and trust that I can move fully into my own power...but it isn't just going to happen overnight. It is a process. And as I go within more and more, I get to see my capacity as my own author.

I am going to use these next few days in Dharmasala to vision and meditate on what my everyday will look like when I start teaching at MPA. I want to be clear about what I'm creating for my life. What is going to truly feed my soul everyday? What is going to feed the next few years of my life?

Moving into more power and ownership of my own life is definitely a big leap and step into full responsibility for everything that happens in my life. Its new territory and when I slip sometimes I am hard on myself, but I'm learning to be gentle with myself and allow these baby steps to happen peacefully with compassion. I feel like these are the moments of growth that truly allow for me to move into the next stage of life and service to my self, to my peers, to the world, and to the divine.

I have been going through many thoughts trying to figure this out...and I feel like it is more crystallized in my psyche after writing this. So, blessings from this land of the know myself, my limitations, and what to do to be a better person.

City of Bliss

I just spent a weekend in Anandpur Sahib - the Holy City of Bliss. I travelled there with all of the students to begin the filming/documentary process. Just to let you know, I have completely decided to take the job here in India. We are still negotiating my livivng expense cost, but I am fully dedicated to teaching these students. After spending the week with them, I felt more and more confident and aligned with my destiny and the desire to be in service to their growth and capacity. I also got a phone - if you ever feel compelled, you can call me at 011 91 987 217 7362

So, I felt more in love and more in marriage to the Guru than I ever have. We visited the gurdwara where Guru Gobind Singh got married, the place where he wrote Bentai Chopai, and a few of his forts. I have great experiences at every place. Once I tuned in, I could feel the power and spirit that Guru Gobind Singh carried with him. I went into deep meditation and felt compltetley merged with teh essence of God and really got to a deep place of understanding of my name. My name means the presence, wisdom, or blessings of the Guru - the teacher and that which takes you from darkness to was a great feeling to know that my destiny is to just be and let the flow of the divine come through. Yeha yeah, I know it, it might wound a little's where I'm at.

love from the heart

Chapter 1: Change of Plans

So....are you ready for some news? After my 42 hours of traveling, I finally arrived...all my kids with me (whew! that was fun!). I have been staying at the SSS's house across from the school this whole time and getting acclimated to the new time zone. Today was my second time going to the Golden Temple. I got the opportunity to read all my morning Banis there...what a blessing. The GT opens my heart up so much and brings out my higher self on all levels. What a blessings.

One funny thing that really helped me realize that I was in India was when I was riding the bus from Dehli to Amritsar. It was about an 16 hour ride...and I was falling asleep the whole time off an on. One time my eyelids opened up and I saw a creature walking across the divider in front of me. I didn't realize if it was just my imagination, but I quickly opened up my eyes wider and tried to see what it was. Just as I was dozing off again, a little mouse appeared again. I had two choices. I could either freak out that there were rodents on our bus, or surrender to the fact that this was this mouse's little home and I was the intruder. Ahh, India.

We also stopped at a Dhaba (little food shack on the side of the road) to figure out where the other two buses were. When we were here, I got to see a man puking...just standing there puking. It's one of those funny things that you don't want to look at, but at the same time can't stop looking at. The polarity we experienced was after driving 5 km down the road and going to an 'upper class' restaurant and eating great paranthas - clean water...bathrooms with toilet paper, etc.

So, I feel like I'm home here, even with all the insanity and crazy events outside.

On my first night I was offered a position teaching photography at the school. The next day I was offered the job of making the MPA informational video (all the marketing adn PR for the school). I know that my plans have been to go to grad school, but being offered these jobs opened up a part of my psyche. For some reason, I knew that when I came to India, I would figure out where I was going to be livivng adn what I was goign to do with myself in America. I considered San Francisco and LA (as my school is in LA), but over the last few weeks, neither seemed to really fit. It felt right being asked to stay here in India. Besides, when I was 15, the Siri Singh Sahib gave me a hukam to come and teach at the school. Somehow its opening up as what is supposed to be right now.

I went to the Golden Temple the next morning to ask if I was just being crazy by considerign staying or if it is really in my destiny. I went into deep meditation there and asked where I should be living. I got the VERY CLEAR answer that I need to stay here. Upon that answer, I asked again and again... "Are you sure?" I kinda of can't believe it....but I'm also listening to my intuition and follwoing my destiny with this. I'll update you more soon - I am going to see where I"ll be living today and really start to integrate what it means to living in India.

Over adn out. Love you so much!

Off to India: Prolougue

Tomorrow (Thursday) I embark on my month long journey through India. Last time I went to India, about 2 or 3 years ago, I wrote updates of my journey every week or so. In the spirit of that (and due to the response that I received), I am intending to document my trip once again Also, as an update, I moved from New Mexico (I currently have no landing ground....but will figure that out soon) and will be attending the University of Santa Monica to get a Masters degree in Spiritual Psychology starting in October. Alright...over and out.God bless Gurudarshan