Deeper Into the Mother

I'm here in Dharamsala. Ahhh....to breathe and relax into the vibration of the sweet mountains...with the heart centered spirit of the Tibetans. I came here for the few days before I start teaching. Sat Pavan and I have enjoyed the food and spirit of Dharamsala before she goes to a Vipassana meditation course.

I have been coming to a deep realizaiton over the past few weeks that I wanted to share. Its sort of long..and it is a deep delving into my psyche...so, enjoy if you want to:

Over the last few months, I realized how much of my whole life I had been playing the 'victim role'. It has been divinely intertwined with having asthma my whole life and with the journey that has unfolded for me. Last year during Tantric I experienced something I never had before. I watched a teenager have an asthma attack in the Tantric line. I, believe it or not, had never seen someone have an asthma attack - I had only experienced it within my own self. Ever since that day, I made the decision to never have to be hospitalized again and to let go of having asthma. I began to change my diet, began working with Guruchander who did one of the Siri Singh Sahib's healing techniques for anger with me (for many months) and prayed to release the need for asthma in my life. It took me many months to incorporate that shift in my psyche...but it ended up that in June, I was asthma free.

Then everything else started to change. I realized that I didn't have to submit to anything. I didn't need to be the victim in any part of my life. Very truthfully, it was part of the reason why I decided to quit my job in Espanola. I realized that I had been doing this work and using my energy for things that didn't fully feed my soul (though I am thankful and honored to have learned all that I did - as it was a necessary part of my life to get me to the here and now). I moved into a space of honoring my self, my truth, and my life more fully and with reverence to myself, as opposed to reverence towards that which was outside of myself. So, I finished my job, packed up my possessions and put them in storage, and then began to travel. I first went to San Francisco where I worked at a job that, well let's just say, didn't feed me. Being in a new, different vibrational field gave way to my own insecurity. I worked so much and got paid a lot for it, but didn't follow my truth of taking care of myself and honoring my life force. I then stayed at my friends' house who had a cat which only added to physical challenges...and I got asthma back. This was a big blow to the confidence I had gained when I was asthma free. There were also some situations that I attracted to show me that I still played into that old pattern of being the victim, not feeling like I had a choice in matters, etc. Once I left there, I went to Los Angeles and appreciated the climate and my surroundings without the cat dander a lot more, though I still used the inhaler there. I felt more grounded, but just had a few days before I left for India.

When the Universe opened up the new plans of moving to India for me, I felt like I was having to surrender to my higher self...surrendering to listening to my truth again. I did in many ways feel like I didn't have a choice in the matter...but I know that the choice was choosing to listen to my higher self or not - and I could have always not listened and gone through with my previous plans....but I own the fact that I chose not to ( and I'm extremely thankful that I am not living in India and committed to my self here).

I feel like once I realized that I have been playing the victim role my whole life, I was able to experience living life without being a victim, empowered in my own self for the last few months I was in Espnaola. Then, I chose to test myself with it in a new environment - and I got to see that I fell back into an old pattern. Then, when the divine and my higher self was showing me this new path in India, I still reacted in the 'victim' mindset - but I feel like here in India, I am able to see all of it more clearly. I am watching my interactions.. I am watching myself when I feel insecure. I am watching what it feels like when I am empowered in my relationship with myself and with God (for example, the experiences I have at Gurdwaras). I know and trust that I can move fully into my own power...but it isn't just going to happen overnight. It is a process. And as I go within more and more, I get to see my capacity as my own author.

I am going to use these next few days in Dharmasala to vision and meditate on what my everyday will look like when I start teaching at MPA. I want to be clear about what I'm creating for my life. What is going to truly feed my soul everyday? What is going to feed the next few years of my life?

Moving into more power and ownership of my own life is definitely a big leap and step into full responsibility for everything that happens in my life. Its new territory and when I slip sometimes I am hard on myself, but I'm learning to be gentle with myself and allow these baby steps to happen peacefully with compassion. I feel like these are the moments of growth that truly allow for me to move into the next stage of life and service to my self, to my peers, to the world, and to the divine.

I have been going through many thoughts trying to figure this out...and I feel like it is more crystallized in my psyche after writing this. So, blessings from this land of the Mother...to know myself, my limitations, and what to do to be a better person.